Eighty Years (or so) To The Big Zero

I’m a horrible person. I don’t think I can have pets anymore. I’m waiting for them to die, while at the same time I’m feeding a new stray (number 5 of the strays that have fed at the feed bowl behind my house) in the 6 years I’ve been here. (This is the only one still around.)

I took out my cat window because for three weeks the cats (3 of them) have been staying in the house. Hey, that’s not so bad. I have the litter box.

Only now, they refuse to use the litter box and also refuse to go outside and instead find it much more convenient to pee in the bed room and living room. I had enough.

I threw them outside for the weekend. They were waiting for me on Monday morning and I petted them and loved them and gave them food but wouldn’t let them in the house.

I had stuffed a pillow into the cat window. So you can imagine what happened next. Pillow on the ground outside and all three cats in the house. The orange stray hanging out back waiting for me to arrive home. (Thin as a rail he is, and friendly, but he’s new and cats don’t like new.)

So I let them stay inside while I’m home and right there in front of me, Vayne pees in the living room. I picked him up and put him outside. As I opened the door, Lea bolted outside and I left Allegra inside. She’s always been an inside cat and is actually using the litter box. Then I took out the cat window and closed the window proper.

Now’s it’s been three days and I haven’t see Lea. She could be dead. I don’t know. Usually two days is the max time I’ve ever not seen one of my cats and they not be dead. I feel bad, but I also feel relief. Just two more to go.

I’m a horrible person.

What has happened to me? Why don’t I care? (I care but really I don’t care.) I use to care so much. Now I’m bothered by the littlest things.

I’ve also noticed a serious problem with my memory. I’m forgetting more and more, but it could be stress, or too much information, or I’ve always been forgetful and I just don’t remember being so.

There’s this one event in my life that is bother me greatly.

When I first moved to the city I’m in now, some how I met this women and we would watch Star Trek Voyager together. She’d drive over (so I know she wasn’t from my apartment complex) and we’d have some food - sushi because she never had it and we’d watch Star Trek, chat for a bit and she’d leave. No fooling around not even kissing or such and that’s what we did. I visited her relatives in the neighboring city and we’d go to parties with her friends and such. All of who I don’t remember. But I do remember the parties and pool, and playing cards “Fairy Tales”, and b-day cake, and how her aunt was terrified of computers and even though they had one in the house wouldn’t let her children use it except to play small 10 minute games. When the Star Trek Voyager ended, I never saw her again.

Trouble is I have no idea how I met this woman or who she is. Even though she sent me an email that lead to my previous job which I had for seven years. (I checked my email, it’s been wiped since 2003. I started my job in 2001.)

It’s a complete blank.

I don’t have any other moments like that but geez if I did what would that mean?

So now I’m living at home waiting. Going to work, going to school, playing board games on Friday night, and saving money. I’m finally debt free (credit card at least, still have car, house) for the first time in my life. That should be good right?

I can’t watch this video without breaking down into tears. I can thank my sister for reminding me of it again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWdYMuo3_B4

What’s it all mean?

Thinking out loud